I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i dont even know how to be here
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
