Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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