After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
