you traded sex for a burrito?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
