OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize