Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
