Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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