I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Still dying that you shit outside
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
