Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
