It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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