Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
