I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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