Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
