You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize