You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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