hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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