I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
