do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
