She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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