new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
