did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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