Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
