legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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