Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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