just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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