What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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