I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You may now shotgun with the bride
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
false alarm, still single
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
