my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Holy shit dude........stairs
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
