i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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