Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
