Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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