I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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