new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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