12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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