Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
