Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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