I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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