Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
