It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
