kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
