Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
