Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
