The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
