Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
