Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
one might say we're banned from that church
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You ate ashes out of my bong
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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