i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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