I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
