I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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