When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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