it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
