I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
