There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
