Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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