It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just had sex on a roof
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
