Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
